Traversing New Ground
Well, we had our last home study meeting last week!
Which means our part of the home study is complete. It's crazy to think we are already past the first "big step" toward bringing our little guy home!
There is still a lot of paperwork for our social worker to write up and finalize. However, she said she thinks she will have it done before Christmas. Which is awesome!!!
She has been such a wonderful help and guide through all of this. So open and honest about the process. What to expect now and after we bring him home. And she has been so eager to listen to our concerns and answer our questions.
Honestly, I believe that God matched us with the perfect social worker for us.
I want to take a second here to stress the importance of the agency you choose to use during your adoption. Their job isn't just to make sure you "dot the i's and cross the t's", but also to prepare you for what is to come.
So...
What is the first thing you think of when you hear a family is adopting?
More than likely, it's the pictures and videos at the airport of everyone celebrating and hugging and crying when the child is brought home. And this is a wonderful memory making moment. I'm certainly looking forward to this moment myself.
But I'm afraid that this picture of adoption is just not completely accurate.
The church, as a whole, has romanticized adoption as being this beautiful picture of rescue and unconditional love, which it totally is. But it can also be very hard and messy. And that is the part that is usually left out.
How many times have you heard the term "attachment issues" mentioned in regards to adoption?
To be honest, I had not ever heard it until we started our adoption. Turns out, this is a HUGE part of the adoption process.
Think about it this way...
What are all the things a newborn baby requires?
To be fed, changed, burped, swaddled.
And, you snuggle them and rock them to sleep. You sing to him. You sit and stare at his face for hours, lol. You comfort her when she cries.
You don't just meet your baby's physical needs, but also his emotional needs. Thus, building a bond between baby and parent. An attachment.
But babies who begin their lives living in an orphanage do not receive this extent of care. Their physical needs are met, for the most part, but not the emotional ones.
One of the saddest facts I've learned is that many babies in an orphanage do not cry. They have learned over time that it doesn't work. It doesn't bring anyone to pick them up and sooth them. It doesn't bring someone with a bottle or a clean diaper. The reality is that in many orphanages around the world there are many more children, than caregivers. This creates the necessity to meet the physical needs of the children, but doesn't allow for nurturing. The lack of nurturing and relationship (bonding) causes these children to have difficulty attaching to, or trusting anyone.
I recently heard a story of a family who adopted their child when he was 9 months old. Every time they picked him up he would physically turn his body away from them, rather than toward them to snuggle, as most babies would do.
I don't think we realize (at least I didn't) how seemingly simple things that come so naturally to us, such as snuggling our babies, create these lasting connections in their brains. How very important those moments are in their development.
Thankfully, it is not impossible to create attachment with your newly adopted child. And some are able to attach easier than others. A lot depends on the amount of time they have spent in an orphanage and the amount of trauma they have endured. It is going to take time and look different than what you would expect.
Dustin and I have received a lot of education so far and still have more to learn regarding parenting strategies for our adopted child, and how to form attachment with him. I have read books, articles, blogs, listened to podcasts, and talked to people who have been there. Time and time again I get the same response. The mother and father must be the only ones meeting the child's needs for an extended period of time, in order for the child to know who he can trust and attach to.
Wait!
What?
Normally when a new child is brought home, family and friends rush over to see and hold the new baby and get their turn at newborn snuggles.
We have actually had a baby boom within our church the past couple of months and I have thoroughly enjoyed every snuggle, lol.
But this time will be different for us.
When we get home from India, we will have to bunker down in our home, without all the visitors. No one else will be able to cuddle and snuggle our little man. And not for just the first few weeks... more like several months.
I know it sounds kind of crazy and overkill, but I'm afraid this will be the reality of it. And this even includes our family.
Our social worker gave us this example; if our child says he is cold and wants a blanket, even if my mother (his grandmother) is standing right beside a blanket and could hand it to me, she can't. I have to be the one to get up and get the blanket and wrap him up. There must be no question in his mind as to who Mom and Dad are. No question as to our role as the ones who are going to take care of him and provide for him. Remember, the odds are this child has never had a mommy and daddy.
This is just one example of how we can create attachment with him.
It may sound extreme, but it is the actual reality.
We were told that if people want to bring us food, they should leave it on the front porch without coming in.
Basically, we will be changing what has been our little man's "normal life" of ever changing people, to a new normal where he will come to know us as "his".
"His" caregivers. "His" protectors. "His" comforters. "His" family. Things he has never known before.
And look, this is going to be hard for me.
This will be my 4th child... I am WAY past the paranoia of being a new mom.
Let's be real. My third child has been known to eat bird eggs right out of the nest (that's another story for another time).
I am not naturally a freak out, helicopter mom. And I'm going to struggle with coming off that way when we bring our little fella home. I mean, when we brought our first born home, I let everybody hold him (after they used hand sanitizer of course..I'm not a robot).
I was so proud to show off each of my babies to whoever wanted to see them.
But it will not be the same with this little guy starting out.
There's also the huge people pleaser part of me and having to tell well meaning people "no" will be a personal struggle for me.
So to those of you who know us, I ask for your patience and understanding those first few months as we wade through the frontier of parenting in a whole new, unfamiliar way.
And I ask for your prayers!
Never would I have ever thought I would have doubts about adoption. This has been on our radar and in our dreams for over 11 years now. To be honest, the more I learn, the more difficult I realize it is going to be. And that is scary, and overwhelming.
But when the anxieties and worries start to overtake my thoughts, God quietly whispers. He reminds me that He called us to this. It wasn't my idea, but His. He knew we would already have 3 children when He said it was time to adopt. He also knew we would need those 11 years to prepare our hearts for what is coming next.
He is good. He is faithful. He is true. He is love. And He will finish what He started and make it something beautiful.
Which means our part of the home study is complete. It's crazy to think we are already past the first "big step" toward bringing our little guy home!
There is still a lot of paperwork for our social worker to write up and finalize. However, she said she thinks she will have it done before Christmas. Which is awesome!!!
She has been such a wonderful help and guide through all of this. So open and honest about the process. What to expect now and after we bring him home. And she has been so eager to listen to our concerns and answer our questions.
Honestly, I believe that God matched us with the perfect social worker for us.
I want to take a second here to stress the importance of the agency you choose to use during your adoption. Their job isn't just to make sure you "dot the i's and cross the t's", but also to prepare you for what is to come.
So...
What is the first thing you think of when you hear a family is adopting?
More than likely, it's the pictures and videos at the airport of everyone celebrating and hugging and crying when the child is brought home. And this is a wonderful memory making moment. I'm certainly looking forward to this moment myself.
But I'm afraid that this picture of adoption is just not completely accurate.
The church, as a whole, has romanticized adoption as being this beautiful picture of rescue and unconditional love, which it totally is. But it can also be very hard and messy. And that is the part that is usually left out.
How many times have you heard the term "attachment issues" mentioned in regards to adoption?
To be honest, I had not ever heard it until we started our adoption. Turns out, this is a HUGE part of the adoption process.
Think about it this way...
What are all the things a newborn baby requires?
To be fed, changed, burped, swaddled.
And, you snuggle them and rock them to sleep. You sing to him. You sit and stare at his face for hours, lol. You comfort her when she cries.
You don't just meet your baby's physical needs, but also his emotional needs. Thus, building a bond between baby and parent. An attachment.
But babies who begin their lives living in an orphanage do not receive this extent of care. Their physical needs are met, for the most part, but not the emotional ones.
One of the saddest facts I've learned is that many babies in an orphanage do not cry. They have learned over time that it doesn't work. It doesn't bring anyone to pick them up and sooth them. It doesn't bring someone with a bottle or a clean diaper. The reality is that in many orphanages around the world there are many more children, than caregivers. This creates the necessity to meet the physical needs of the children, but doesn't allow for nurturing. The lack of nurturing and relationship (bonding) causes these children to have difficulty attaching to, or trusting anyone.
I recently heard a story of a family who adopted their child when he was 9 months old. Every time they picked him up he would physically turn his body away from them, rather than toward them to snuggle, as most babies would do.
I don't think we realize (at least I didn't) how seemingly simple things that come so naturally to us, such as snuggling our babies, create these lasting connections in their brains. How very important those moments are in their development.
Thankfully, it is not impossible to create attachment with your newly adopted child. And some are able to attach easier than others. A lot depends on the amount of time they have spent in an orphanage and the amount of trauma they have endured. It is going to take time and look different than what you would expect.
Dustin and I have received a lot of education so far and still have more to learn regarding parenting strategies for our adopted child, and how to form attachment with him. I have read books, articles, blogs, listened to podcasts, and talked to people who have been there. Time and time again I get the same response. The mother and father must be the only ones meeting the child's needs for an extended period of time, in order for the child to know who he can trust and attach to.
Wait!
What?
Normally when a new child is brought home, family and friends rush over to see and hold the new baby and get their turn at newborn snuggles.
We have actually had a baby boom within our church the past couple of months and I have thoroughly enjoyed every snuggle, lol.
But this time will be different for us.
When we get home from India, we will have to bunker down in our home, without all the visitors. No one else will be able to cuddle and snuggle our little man. And not for just the first few weeks... more like several months.
I know it sounds kind of crazy and overkill, but I'm afraid this will be the reality of it. And this even includes our family.
Our social worker gave us this example; if our child says he is cold and wants a blanket, even if my mother (his grandmother) is standing right beside a blanket and could hand it to me, she can't. I have to be the one to get up and get the blanket and wrap him up. There must be no question in his mind as to who Mom and Dad are. No question as to our role as the ones who are going to take care of him and provide for him. Remember, the odds are this child has never had a mommy and daddy.
This is just one example of how we can create attachment with him.
It may sound extreme, but it is the actual reality.
We were told that if people want to bring us food, they should leave it on the front porch without coming in.
Basically, we will be changing what has been our little man's "normal life" of ever changing people, to a new normal where he will come to know us as "his".
"His" caregivers. "His" protectors. "His" comforters. "His" family. Things he has never known before.
And look, this is going to be hard for me.
This will be my 4th child... I am WAY past the paranoia of being a new mom.
Let's be real. My third child has been known to eat bird eggs right out of the nest (that's another story for another time).
I am not naturally a freak out, helicopter mom. And I'm going to struggle with coming off that way when we bring our little fella home. I mean, when we brought our first born home, I let everybody hold him (after they used hand sanitizer of course..I'm not a robot).
I was so proud to show off each of my babies to whoever wanted to see them.
But it will not be the same with this little guy starting out.
There's also the huge people pleaser part of me and having to tell well meaning people "no" will be a personal struggle for me.
So to those of you who know us, I ask for your patience and understanding those first few months as we wade through the frontier of parenting in a whole new, unfamiliar way.
And I ask for your prayers!
Never would I have ever thought I would have doubts about adoption. This has been on our radar and in our dreams for over 11 years now. To be honest, the more I learn, the more difficult I realize it is going to be. And that is scary, and overwhelming.
But when the anxieties and worries start to overtake my thoughts, God quietly whispers. He reminds me that He called us to this. It wasn't my idea, but His. He knew we would already have 3 children when He said it was time to adopt. He also knew we would need those 11 years to prepare our hearts for what is coming next.
He is good. He is faithful. He is true. He is love. And He will finish what He started and make it something beautiful.
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